A Thousand Wasted Hours and Days

sorry you're it so such pain.

2005-06-13T16:34:00.000-04:00

I don't know what to say. And I'm sorry that you're not in a place, to welcome the US again.Please be well, and remember me with a felling of happiness! I remember you only with LOVE!

Maybe YOU win, after all!

2005-06-12T20:45:00.000-04:00

I ended part 1 of the blog, and came back tonight to read your comments anyway. Doctor Don, are you still over there? Garrison?

I guess this is GOOD-BYE!

2005-05-19T14:06:00.000-04:00

I'm going to take many of yours' suggestions, and stop this blog now. If you can figure out what SONG the title of this blog is from, the continuation will follow the next line, when I set it up in Blogger. And I've learned a lot from this experience, like NOT to allow COMMENTS next time! This is my personal DIARY, and I'm not writing it for YOU!

Nothin' to say for myself.

2005-05-18T22:49:00.000-04:00

And yet, I can expound endlessly on what I did today!

Manicure AND pedicure, each about an hour apart.

I went to the airport via public transportation, just to SEE how to get there, in case I actually use the frequent-flyer ticket. And yeah, I booked a frequent-flyer ticket, in case I fly out of here (that's HEAVEN, in case there's anyone still uncertain) in two weeks, the day after the Pixies show.

I'm now freaking out, days later, because I have to leave the Safe House by Friday, and I don't have anywhere to go! Yeah, I could follow up with Social Security, as the only way I can stay here is if I get Social Security. And I LOVE it here! And I could follow up with the NYC landlords, Linda and Gus. If I ask J., my former John, if I can stay with him for two weeks, until my flight east, I DON'T have a place to live in NYC, and my MOTHER won't let me live in her house! BITCH! How does a MOTHER deliver her daughter to a HOMELESS shelter?! I'm SO mad about this!

Where is my mind?

2005-05-15T21:16:00.000-04:00

Frank Black hijacked it.

I bought a ticket today for the "sold out" Pixies show on June 3. Bought from the theatre where the show is going to be. When I got to the theater, the ticketseller said that ALL shows are sold out, except the new midnight show. But when he asked how many tickets I needed and I replied "1", he offered to sell me a ticket for the "sold-out" 7:30 show on Friday night. Just so I don't have to come downtown, alone, at midnight!

Lucky!

I'm so excited, can't stop thinking in Pixies' quotes! La la love you... I think The Pixies, circa the mid-90's, was the last band I liked that wasn't just computer music!

boys on the bus

2005-05-14T18:36:00.000-04:00

What trouble did I find on Friday the 13th?

Cute boys on city buses. I don't call GUYS "boys" lightly. But the first guy/boy was EXACTLY the sort of dark-curly-haired-Jew that I go for. I had a feeling he was young, but when he told me that her was 19, all I could say was "too young to corrupt." But I WAS disappointed!

The second cute boy was 27, Jewish, and HEAVILY tattood, up and down each arm. I asked him, stupid me, if he minded that the tattoos would keep him from being able to be buried in a Jewish cemetary, and he replied that he hadn't found out about that until after the fact. See, NOT an appropriate match for me. And damn, he was BEAUTIFUL! When I told him as much, he replied that "you are, too!" and asked for my number. Which I DIDN'T give him. But I've been riding the buses and thinking about him all morning and for DAYS since!

I'm a screw-up!

2005-05-12T21:30:00.000-04:00

I feel like a total screw-up. I was SUPPOSED to have my interview at Fry's this morning. But I didn't account for the bus time, so I missed the interview. Turns out that it IS a big deal. I guess they only do "first interviews" one day a week. So the Latina twit assistant in human resources said that she'd have to CALL me to schedule me for the next time.

If the shoe fits...

2005-05-11T19:29:00.000-04:00

Today, I went to the mall. The beautiful, outdoor mall. That just happens to be adjacent to the ex's place of work. I sat on the outdoor benches, drinking coffee. And I never felt like such ... a STALKER! I have to stop. If he doesn't want me and won't speak to me it's HIS loss! Continuing to loiter in this sea of rejection doesn't do me ANY good! And it's not like I'm alone! B. wants me, wants to "make love" to me! It felt SO good when he said that today! He's TWICE the man of the ex, and ever since we met, I've thought of him as B.I., "the cute guy". He is one of the only reasons I WANT to move east!

And, by the way, I have an INTERVIEW at Fry's Electronics tomorrow morning!

bonding, and homicidal dreams!

2005-05-10T11:10:00.000-04:00

Tom and I are FRIENDS, first and foremost. We bonded while we were patients at the same mental health program. Sex is secondary, but still important, because I crave human touch!

Something else that we bonded over is the fact that we're both on the same nighttime sleep medication. We both agreed that we LOVE Seraquil, that we sleep heavily and with weird dreams. I hadn't had one of those weird one ... until last night!

I dreamed that I took the Contract killer's offer of putting out a contract, in exchange for sex, on someone. Or, three people. The EX, his dreadful mother who calls him "itsy bitsy baby boy," even though he's 32 and 6'4", and the ex's mythological new girlfriend! The dream seemed SO real!

I'd also like to answer a reader's question, about the Safe House where I'm living.

It's a Board-and-care, which means that everyone here has mental issues, is on medication, and receives room and board, and a house "den-mother" to kick our butts about our medication. Some of the mental issues aren't serious, like the woman who won't SPEAK, while others are fighting more psychotic demons.

Generally, the people who live here are on disability and Medi-cal, and Social Security/disability pays their rent to stay here. I'm unusual in that I'm SANE and able to work. I was put here, FREE, by the County's Protective Services, because I told the adult-day-care workers about the weird bisexual sex games that XXXX/YYYY had me playing! Like, sex with Michael Eisner!

If you, reader, want to know more, e-mail me at mfisher150@yahoo.com

well, it's 9:30 and I'm home

2005-05-10T00:52:00.000-04:00

That pretty much says it all, about my date. Tom is totally going through an ASEXUAL phase of his depression. Or, maybe, having been raised attending Catholic day school, maybe his whole sexual SIDE has been supplimated! We both agreed that we find each other attractive, but he just said that he doesn't THINK or FEEL that way, in general.

VERY disappointing. And I shaved for that?! For a polite kiss goodnight. Not even a REAL kiss!

new razors

2005-05-09T16:35:00.000-04:00

I bought a package of new razors today, in preparation for tonight´s date...

I'm going WHERE?!

2005-05-08T22:24:00.000-04:00

I've applied for a job. THE job. The job that I FIRST started my working experience with. Working for the Federal government. Listen, I'm not going BACKWARDS, but I am growing UP, recognizing the benefits of working for the Feds. Great health benefits, flex time (meaning, 9 hour workdays, and one day off every other week), 8 a.m. work start-times, e-mail and a free Blackberry for work!!!, you name it. No more whoring. I can pay off my credit card debt, and eventually, buy a home. I'm eminently qualified for the job, perhaps overqualified, and the head of the the department is my former boss, and still-close friend.

But, did I mention where this job is? Back in NYC.

Shit!

I'm already looking into apartments.

But, that said, I'm still hoping to be able to stretch out my time here, and get this job at Fry's Electronics. Because I want that 14" Apple I-Mac laptop or a flat-screen PC computer monitor on an employee discount, since the EX took our flat-screen when he left me!

You wanted it...

2005-05-07T14:25:00.000-04:00

So I'll tell you about the flirtation of the week.

OK, 1: I have asked the cute attorney I befriended at the Cedars-Sinai outpatient mental health program to join me on Monday night at a KCRW movie screening! And he happily accepted.

2: I'm carrying on a flirtation with a former client, a big, BALD and sweet guy. He's never forgotten me, and remains convinced that there was something "for real" when we were together. Of course, to me this feels about as sincere as a faked orgasm! But I'm CRAZY about him! So, it's just a matter of time, until the sweaty groping can happen again! This was inspired in large part by Postmodern Courtesan's Olympia and her quest for a sexual FLING!

A gift from Adonai

2005-05-06T21:52:00.000-04:00

I interviewed mid-week for the commission-only sales job with the podunck "art" gallery, and after being hired on the spot, I reported to the gallery for my first day of work the following day.

There had just been a staff meeting, and a messy lunch. And in the middle of the lunch table, there it was! A new, blue, 6 gb IPOD! I didn't know what it was doing there, so I quickly, quietly, and meekly approached the magic ipod -- the EXACT model and color I had been lusting after. And I put it into my bag.

It was only the next day at "work" when NOBODY mentioned an Ipod did I KNOW the Ipod was a gift to me from Adonai.

The "job" wasn't as real... I immediately went to Fry's Electronics yesterday to follow up on my week-old application. The director of human resources KNEW my name, and promised that her asst. would be calling me next week to schedule an interview.

NEW RULE!

2005-05-05T19:41:00.000-04:00

(It's not just a Bill Maher thing!)
And "Anonymous," find out who he is before you say something ELSE stupid?

NO MORE COMMENTING FROM PEOPLE WHO WON'T IDENTIFY THEMSELVES. Whether this is coming from Jason, or Brian, or whomever, please tell me who's reading this? THANK YOU.
-- Meredith (or M.)

Baby Steps

2005-05-05T17:39:00.000-04:00

well, I took a job. It meant having to subvert my principals and act subservient for superiors who have less experience than me. Hal Hartley and his work has never seemed SO real, so relevant.

I'm proud at myself for taking the job. Let's see for how long it LASTS!

I'm going to be selling inexpensive, sub-par art to novices in public settings.

how WEIRD is this?

2005-05-02T13:47:00.000-04:00

I know that I need to stop reading the ex's blog. But I CAN'T! I still feel a connection to him! So check www.jaybushman.com today, for some weird shit. Apparently, he went to a gun-shooting gallery with his BloggingLA colleagues, and learmed to LOVE to shoot GUNS! I come from the same liberal northeastern upbringing as he did, and the IDEA of loving guns just freaks me out!

The lowest it REALLY goes!

2005-04-25T14:08:00.000-04:00

While I was at the National Adult Day Health Care Center, where NONAME PUT me, I told the women who run the center about NONAME's sex games, and how he would look for random guys off Craig's List for me to fuck in front of him! The behavior was deemed eligible for the Adult Protective Services in the beachy places county, and they picked me up from the Adult center, and a cab drove me out to a safe house, in a town just OUTSIDE of town. The place is a real neighborhood, with a library only a few blocks away, and even without a car, I can walk anywhere I need to go! I'm NOT doing sex work, and trying NOT to do it, because I want to live healthier, and stop treating my body as a tool for cash!

Now that I'm away from NONAME, I can feel free to reveal his name! He's an actor, and I think he was a child actor of some renown. Obviously, he did well enough to buy his house in Atlanta! I revealed his name, but got enough grief from readers that I took the name away.

Thank you, dear reader, for understanding my delay in getting access to a computer! The infrequency of my posts is also due to the fact that I haven't been working, and have stopped getting internet service on my phone, in the interest of keeping my bills down.

Send me a note, and I'll post again in a day or two! Or whenever I can drag my lame ass down here, to the library!

I'm not crazy, INSTITUTIONALIZED! You're the one that's crazy, INSTITUTIONALIZED! You're driving me crazy, INSTITUTIONALIZED! You put me in an...

2005-03-25T17:15:00.000-05:00

INSTITUTION, said it was the only solution...
Weird childhood memories from god knows where. I guess from the remote planet where "Repo Man" still exists as a great film!

On Tuesday, I wasn't allowed into the Thalian's, even though XXXX/YYYY brought me in. And consequently, I spent the day walking through the Beverly Center, looking for a job. And shoplifting $125 of expensive lingerie. Grand Larcency-style BAD. So today, I have a BABYSITTER, who's accompanying me through Westwood, looking for a job.

And I'm still working on transitioning OUT of Thalians, to UCLA instead. They're supposed to be better qualified to handle my style of "DISINHIBITION."

I'm thinking, honestly, that shock treatment may be the best way to reset my evil mind...

here's the latest...

2005-03-17T13:43:00.000-05:00

My days at Thalians are still dwindling to a close. But last night, Dr. Park, my psychiatrist, suggested that when I leave the Thalians, I start treatment at the UCLA department of neuropsychiatry. As much as I wanted to say NO, I didn't, largely because Dr. Park didn't say that I'd have to stop seeing the neurologist for my MS who I love so much.

I'm still on 30 mg. of Cymbalta, and 100 mg. of Seraquil at night. I don't feel any benefit from the Cymbalta, a NEW type of antidepressant, but I don't feel depressed anymore. Is that the Cymbalta, or just the fact that I've been off Interferon for two months? I did take my first dose of Rebif yesterday for the MS, and THAT could cause the depression to come back ON!

Tomorrow could be my LAST day at Thalians...

Part 2 of my neuropsych testing with Dr. Le is tomorrow.

How the mighty have fallen...

2005-03-15T17:36:00.000-05:00

He's been turned into a South Park character?!
And I was in LOVE with this man?
www.jaybushman.com

this makes me CRAZY!

2005-03-15T17:08:00.000-05:00

With whom I'm living or staying temporarily, or whatever you call it -- cohabitating, I have been unable to do anything, except to lie and decieve him. I seem to be unable to control myself, as he has pointed out to me, and I now agree.

I've been writing largely about cysts and absesses, and now they seem to be gone.

STOP, please!?

2005-03-01T14:29:00.000-05:00

The cyst, or the golf ball under my arm, is GONE. The dermatologist cut it out yesterday. VERY painful. He first injected me with SEVERAL local painkillers, then took out the knife, and cut it open. The pus has drained, and the antibiotics are starting to dry up the infection. I'm looking forward to being able to wear slinky, sleeveless tops again...

When the aged, presumably experienced doctor at Cedars was trying to squeeze the pus out, I had to BEG him to stop squeezing, because I couldn't take the pain.

endless CYST problems

2005-02-25T20:18:00.000-05:00

two MORE cysts, or absesses, under the left arm.

Very painful.

And two weeks completed at Cedars' Thalians center.

It looks like I'm going to switch to a M-W-F schedule, starting this coming week...

Treatment update

2005-02-23T16:53:00.001-05:00

Everything is fine. All group therapy, ALL the time. Already been two weeks! I'm ready to leave the hospital, to rejoin normal society, although Cedars HAS been very useful, at a tough time...