A Thousand Wasted Hours and Days

sorry you're it so such pain.

2005-06-13T16:34:00.000-04:00

I don't know what to say. And I'm sorry that you're not in a place, to welcome the US again.Please be well, and remember me with a felling of happiness! I remember you only with LOVE!

Maybe YOU win, after all!

2005-06-12T20:45:00.000-04:00

I ended part 1 of the blog, and came back tonight to read your comments anyway. Doctor Don, are you still over there? Garrison?

I guess this is GOOD-BYE!

2005-05-19T14:06:00.000-04:00

I'm going to take many of yours' suggestions, and stop this blog now. If you can figure out what SONG the title of this blog is from, the continuation will follow the next line, when I set it up in Blogger. And I've learned a lot from this experience, like NOT to allow COMMENTS next time! This is my personal DIARY, and I'm not writing it for YOU!

Nothin' to say for myself.

2005-05-18T22:49:00.000-04:00

And yet, I can expound endlessly on what I did today!

Manicure AND pedicure, each about an hour apart.

I went to the airport via public transportation, just to SEE how to get there, in case I actually use the frequent-flyer ticket. And yeah, I booked a frequent-flyer ticket, in case I fly out of here (that's HEAVEN, in case there's anyone still uncertain) in two weeks, the day after the Pixies show.

I'm now freaking out, days later, because I have to leave the Safe House by Friday, and I don't have anywhere to go! Yeah, I could follow up with Social Security, as the only way I can stay here is if I get Social Security. And I LOVE it here! And I could follow up with the NYC landlords, Linda and Gus. If I ask J., my former John, if I can stay with him for two weeks, until my flight east, I DON'T have a place to live in NYC, and my MOTHER won't let me live in her house! BITCH! How does a MOTHER deliver her daughter to a HOMELESS shelter?! I'm SO mad about this!

Where is my mind?

2005-05-15T21:16:00.000-04:00

Frank Black hijacked it.

I bought a ticket today for the "sold out" Pixies show on June 3. Bought from the theatre where the show is going to be. When I got to the theater, the ticketseller said that ALL shows are sold out, except the new midnight show. But when he asked how many tickets I needed and I replied "1", he offered to sell me a ticket for the "sold-out" 7:30 show on Friday night. Just so I don't have to come downtown, alone, at midnight!

Lucky!

I'm so excited, can't stop thinking in Pixies' quotes! La la love you... I think The Pixies, circa the mid-90's, was the last band I liked that wasn't just computer music!

boys on the bus

2005-05-14T18:36:00.000-04:00

What trouble did I find on Friday the 13th?

Cute boys on city buses. I don't call GUYS "boys" lightly. But the first guy/boy was EXACTLY the sort of dark-curly-haired-Jew that I go for. I had a feeling he was young, but when he told me that her was 19, all I could say was "too young to corrupt." But I WAS disappointed!

The second cute boy was 27, Jewish, and HEAVILY tattood, up and down each arm. I asked him, stupid me, if he minded that the tattoos would keep him from being able to be buried in a Jewish cemetary, and he replied that he hadn't found out about that until after the fact. See, NOT an appropriate match for me. And damn, he was BEAUTIFUL! When I told him as much, he replied that "you are, too!" and asked for my number. Which I DIDN'T give him. But I've been riding the buses and thinking about him all morning and for DAYS since!

I'm a screw-up!

2005-05-12T21:30:00.000-04:00

I feel like a total screw-up. I was SUPPOSED to have my interview at Fry's this morning. But I didn't account for the bus time, so I missed the interview. Turns out that it IS a big deal. I guess they only do "first interviews" one day a week. So the Latina twit assistant in human resources said that she'd have to CALL me to schedule me for the next time.

If the shoe fits...

2005-05-11T19:29:00.000-04:00

Today, I went to the mall. The beautiful, outdoor mall. That just happens to be adjacent to the ex's place of work. I sat on the outdoor benches, drinking coffee. And I never felt like such ... a STALKER! I have to stop. If he doesn't want me and won't speak to me it's HIS loss! Continuing to loiter in this sea of rejection doesn't do me ANY good! And it's not like I'm alone! B. wants me, wants to "make love" to me! It felt SO good when he said that today! He's TWICE the man of the ex, and ever since we met, I've thought of him as B.I., "the cute guy". He is one of the only reasons I WANT to move east!

And, by the way, I have an INTERVIEW at Fry's Electronics tomorrow morning!

bonding, and homicidal dreams!

2005-05-10T11:10:00.000-04:00

Tom and I are FRIENDS, first and foremost. We bonded while we were patients at the same mental health program. Sex is secondary, but still important, because I crave human touch!

Something else that we bonded over is the fact that we're both on the same nighttime sleep medication. We both agreed that we LOVE Seraquil, that we sleep heavily and with weird dreams. I hadn't had one of those weird one ... until last night!

I dreamed that I took the Contract killer's offer of putting out a contract, in exchange for sex, on someone. Or, three people. The EX, his dreadful mother who calls him "itsy bitsy baby boy," even though he's 32 and 6'4", and the ex's mythological new girlfriend! The dream seemed SO real!

I'd also like to answer a reader's question, about the Safe House where I'm living.

It's a Board-and-care, which means that everyone here has mental issues, is on medication, and receives room and board, and a house "den-mother" to kick our butts about our medication. Some of the mental issues aren't serious, like the woman who won't SPEAK, while others are fighting more psychotic demons.

Generally, the people who live here are on disability and Medi-cal, and Social Security/disability pays their rent to stay here. I'm unusual in that I'm SANE and able to work. I was put here, FREE, by the County's Protective Services, because I told the adult-day-care workers about the weird bisexual sex games that XXXX/YYYY had me playing! Like, sex with Michael Eisner!

If you, reader, want to know more, e-mail me at mfisher150@yahoo.com

well, it's 9:30 and I'm home

2005-05-10T00:52:00.000-04:00

That pretty much says it all, about my date. Tom is totally going through an ASEXUAL phase of his depression. Or, maybe, having been raised attending Catholic day school, maybe his whole sexual SIDE has been supplimated! We both agreed that we find each other attractive, but he just said that he doesn't THINK or FEEL that way, in general.

VERY disappointing. And I shaved for that?! For a polite kiss goodnight. Not even a REAL kiss!

new razors

2005-05-09T16:35:00.000-04:00

I bought a package of new razors today, in preparation for tonight´s date...

I'm going WHERE?!

2005-05-08T22:24:00.000-04:00

I've applied for a job. THE job. The job that I FIRST started my working experience with. Working for the Federal government. Listen, I'm not going BACKWARDS, but I am growing UP, recognizing the benefits of working for the Feds. Great health benefits, flex time (meaning, 9 hour workdays, and one day off every other week), 8 a.m. work start-times, e-mail and a free Blackberry for work!!!, you name it. No more whoring. I can pay off my credit card debt, and eventually, buy a home. I'm eminently qualified for the job, perhaps overqualified, and the head of the the department is my former boss, and still-close friend.

But, did I mention where this job is? Back in NYC.

Shit!

I'm already looking into apartments.

But, that said, I'm still hoping to be able to stretch out my time here, and get this job at Fry's Electronics. Because I want that 14" Apple I-Mac laptop or a flat-screen PC computer monitor on an employee discount, since the EX took our flat-screen when he left me!

You wanted it...

2005-05-07T14:25:00.000-04:00

So I'll tell you about the flirtation of the week.

OK, 1: I have asked the cute attorney I befriended at the Cedars-Sinai outpatient mental health program to join me on Monday night at a KCRW movie screening! And he happily accepted.

2: I'm carrying on a flirtation with a former client, a big, BALD and sweet guy. He's never forgotten me, and remains convinced that there was something "for real" when we were together. Of course, to me this feels about as sincere as a faked orgasm! But I'm CRAZY about him! So, it's just a matter of time, until the sweaty groping can happen again! This was inspired in large part by Postmodern Courtesan's Olympia and her quest for a sexual FLING!

A gift from Adonai

2005-05-06T21:52:00.000-04:00

I interviewed mid-week for the commission-only sales job with the podunck "art" gallery, and after being hired on the spot, I reported to the gallery for my first day of work the following day.

There had just been a staff meeting, and a messy lunch. And in the middle of the lunch table, there it was! A new, blue, 6 gb IPOD! I didn't know what it was doing there, so I quickly, quietly, and meekly approached the magic ipod -- the EXACT model and color I had been lusting after. And I put it into my bag.

It was only the next day at "work" when NOBODY mentioned an Ipod did I KNOW the Ipod was a gift to me from Adonai.

The "job" wasn't as real... I immediately went to Fry's Electronics yesterday to follow up on my week-old application. The director of human resources KNEW my name, and promised that her asst. would be calling me next week to schedule an interview.

NEW RULE!

2005-05-05T19:41:00.000-04:00

(It's not just a Bill Maher thing!)
And "Anonymous," find out who he is before you say something ELSE stupid?

NO MORE COMMENTING FROM PEOPLE WHO WON'T IDENTIFY THEMSELVES. Whether this is coming from Jason, or Brian, or whomever, please tell me who's reading this? THANK YOU.
-- Meredith (or M.)

Baby Steps

2005-05-05T17:39:00.000-04:00

well, I took a job. It meant having to subvert my principals and act subservient for superiors who have less experience than me. Hal Hartley and his work has never seemed SO real, so relevant.

I'm proud at myself for taking the job. Let's see for how long it LASTS!

I'm going to be selling inexpensive, sub-par art to novices in public settings.

how WEIRD is this?

2005-05-02T13:47:00.000-04:00

I know that I need to stop reading the ex's blog. But I CAN'T! I still feel a connection to him! So check www.jaybushman.com today, for some weird shit. Apparently, he went to a gun-shooting gallery with his BloggingLA colleagues, and learmed to LOVE to shoot GUNS! I come from the same liberal northeastern upbringing as he did, and the IDEA of loving guns just freaks me out!

The lowest it REALLY goes!

2005-04-25T14:08:00.000-04:00

While I was at the National Adult Day Health Care Center, where NONAME PUT me, I told the women who run the center about NONAME's sex games, and how he would look for random guys off Craig's List for me to fuck in front of him! The behavior was deemed eligible for the Adult Protective Services in the beachy places county, and they picked me up from the Adult center, and a cab drove me out to a safe house, in a town just OUTSIDE of town. The place is a real neighborhood, with a library only a few blocks away, and even without a car, I can walk anywhere I need to go! I'm NOT doing sex work, and trying NOT to do it, because I want to live healthier, and stop treating my body as a tool for cash!

Now that I'm away from NONAME, I can feel free to reveal his name! He's an actor, and I think he was a child actor of some renown. Obviously, he did well enough to buy his house in Atlanta! I revealed his name, but got enough grief from readers that I took the name away.

Thank you, dear reader, for understanding my delay in getting access to a computer! The infrequency of my posts is also due to the fact that I haven't been working, and have stopped getting internet service on my phone, in the interest of keeping my bills down.

Send me a note, and I'll post again in a day or two! Or whenever I can drag my lame ass down here, to the library!

I'm not crazy, INSTITUTIONALIZED! You're the one that's crazy, INSTITUTIONALIZED! You're driving me crazy, INSTITUTIONALIZED! You put me in an...

2005-03-25T17:15:00.000-05:00

INSTITUTION, said it was the only solution...
Weird childhood memories from god knows where. I guess from the remote planet where "Repo Man" still exists as a great film!

On Tuesday, I wasn't allowed into the Thalian's, even though XXXX/YYYY brought me in. And consequently, I spent the day walking through the Beverly Center, looking for a job. And shoplifting $125 of expensive lingerie. Grand Larcency-style BAD. So today, I have a BABYSITTER, who's accompanying me through Westwood, looking for a job.

And I'm still working on transitioning OUT of Thalians, to UCLA instead. They're supposed to be better qualified to handle my style of "DISINHIBITION."

I'm thinking, honestly, that shock treatment may be the best way to reset my evil mind...

here's the latest...

2005-03-17T13:43:00.000-05:00

My days at Thalians are still dwindling to a close. But last night, Dr. Park, my psychiatrist, suggested that when I leave the Thalians, I start treatment at the UCLA department of neuropsychiatry. As much as I wanted to say NO, I didn't, largely because Dr. Park didn't say that I'd have to stop seeing the neurologist for my MS who I love so much.

I'm still on 30 mg. of Cymbalta, and 100 mg. of Seraquil at night. I don't feel any benefit from the Cymbalta, a NEW type of antidepressant, but I don't feel depressed anymore. Is that the Cymbalta, or just the fact that I've been off Interferon for two months? I did take my first dose of Rebif yesterday for the MS, and THAT could cause the depression to come back ON!

Tomorrow could be my LAST day at Thalians...

Part 2 of my neuropsych testing with Dr. Le is tomorrow.

How the mighty have fallen...

2005-03-15T17:36:00.000-05:00

He's been turned into a South Park character?!
And I was in LOVE with this man?
www.jaybushman.com

this makes me CRAZY!

2005-03-15T17:08:00.000-05:00

With whom I'm living or staying temporarily, or whatever you call it -- cohabitating, I have been unable to do anything, except to lie and decieve him. I seem to be unable to control myself, as he has pointed out to me, and I now agree.

I've been writing largely about cysts and absesses, and now they seem to be gone.

STOP, please!?

2005-03-01T14:29:00.000-05:00

The cyst, or the golf ball under my arm, is GONE. The dermatologist cut it out yesterday. VERY painful. He first injected me with SEVERAL local painkillers, then took out the knife, and cut it open. The pus has drained, and the antibiotics are starting to dry up the infection. I'm looking forward to being able to wear slinky, sleeveless tops again...

When the aged, presumably experienced doctor at Cedars was trying to squeeze the pus out, I had to BEG him to stop squeezing, because I couldn't take the pain.

endless CYST problems

2005-02-25T20:18:00.000-05:00

two MORE cysts, or absesses, under the left arm.

Very painful.

And two weeks completed at Cedars' Thalians center.

It looks like I'm going to switch to a M-W-F schedule, starting this coming week...

Treatment update

2005-02-23T16:53:00.001-05:00

Everything is fine. All group therapy, ALL the time. Already been two weeks! I'm ready to leave the hospital, to rejoin normal society, although Cedars HAS been very useful, at a tough time...

Treatment update

2005-02-23T16:53:00.000-05:00

Everything is fine. All group therapy, ALL the time. Already been two weeks! I'm ready to leave the hospital, to rejoin normal society, although Cedars HAS been very useful, at a tough time...

Treo problems

2005-02-22T12:40:00.000-05:00

I've started having problems with the Treo keyboard. A few of the keys just DON'T register letters. This is already my second Treo, and I'm already ready to send it back to Handspring for a new one.

My (potential) Life As A Gangster Moll

2005-02-17T19:24:00.000-05:00

Remember my stories about the Contract Killer? His divorce is still going through.

He's now calling me, telling me that there's a "Family Meeting" in LA coming up. Family Meeting?! With a "Vinnie" as the head of the "family"? What sort of Jewish gangsters ARE these guys? I don't mind so much SEEING this guy again. But he just asked if I could find one of my friends for Vinnie, a w¤

Another day in summer camp...

2005-02-17T12:57:00.001-05:00

I've unwittingly attained a client, for Saturday. He's going to pay me for sex, AND for the topless photos I sent him previously...

And he's encouraging me to find OTHER clients to see in the hotel room!

Another day in summer camp...

2005-02-17T12:57:00.000-05:00

I've unwittingly attained a client, for Saturday. He's going to pay me for sex, AND for the topless photos I sent him previously...

Another day in summer camp!

2005-02-15T15:46:00.000-05:00

Why is this camp? Well, I'm picked up and brought home in a van, and served lunches from the hospital cafeteria. My days are programmed, hour by hour. And I've met with another doctor about the pus-filled absesses under my arms, and a psychiatrist, who it turns out, already knows my other psychiatrist who sent me here.

My period started spotting last night, even though I'm back on the pill, it's not time yet, and I bled on XXXX/YYYY's beloved, super-expensive sheets...

Where I've gone

2005-02-14T15:47:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the few days' silence. First, the GPRS (wireless internet) on my phone was down, and now, I've been awol because I've been admitted to Cedars Sinai Medical Center, to the outpatient ward of the mental health program. So I'm here, about 7.5 hours, Monday through Friday.

I KNOW it's theraputic for me to be here, in the outpatient side of the mental ward.

Time to return to "summer camp" -- more later.

The thing that's killing me is that I have NO internet access here!

resuscitated!

2005-02-10T15:36:00.000-05:00

Things are BETTER today! I mean, I'm still depressed, and the actor with whom I'm staying has required that I take his name OFF my blog completely, so I'm working on that night now, from the library.

Cell phone can ACCEPT calls, but I can't PLACE any calls, since I still owe T-Mobile $116! Very frustrating.

I'm not doing escorting, as without a car, it's impossible to be independant in this city. And for all of his multitudinous bad-sides, the actor has been VERY supportive of trying to get me HELP, for my lost memory (thank you, multiple sclerosis!).

The actor has introduced me to a friend/contact of his, in Beverly Hills. A very sweet and caring Jewish attorney, who the actor alleges is VERY connected. I still don't understand the connection between the two of them, but he even laughs at when I call XXXX/YYYY/"whatever", in lieu of knowing his name, and I understand that he's supposed to be a "resource" for me, within town.

The attorney gave me the name of a friend of his, who does placement for legal support staff, and I'm going to call him. I mean, I was doing paralegal work for my father's firm, when I was VERY young!

"Whatever" even had my new prescription for the birth control pill filled and paid for, as he doesn't want to have to wear condoms... He's pushing now for me to go on the every-three-month-a-period pill, "Seasonale," which I've told him I don't WANT to do!

And he was OFF!

2005-02-06T20:01:00.000-05:00

The Ringleader disappeared last night, as fast as he was picked up by the waiting taxi, last night. He basically brought me to the hotel, to give them his credit card, and then brought me up to our room, and fucked me.

Leaving $20 on the table, after he came, he left while I was in the shower.

I talked to my mother this morning, and she was truly fucking HYSTERICAL! So worried about me, she had apparently already called the police in the town where I am, to ask them if they knew how I was doing.

She wants me to move HOME! And I don't WANT to! I just feel like my future is HERE, at my beloved shul, or I DIE here.

It's morning, so I've lived to see another day.

2005-02-06T10:49:00.000-05:00

It's not even 8 a.m., and I'm already getting long distance calls from the Mother.

Yeah, situation is dire. Thrown out of the rabbi's place, for reasons I don't understand. Spent three nights ago, on the couch of the Rabbi's neighbor. Two nights ago, spent the night on the landing outside the Rabbi and his neighbors' apartment. And last night, the ringleader put me up in a cheap hotel along the beach. And fucked me. And lied to his longtime partner, the "escort", to do it.

XXXX/YYYY called me "a bag lady," and it WASN'T a term of endearment. Because by the time the ringleader's cab pulled up at the Rabbi's house to pick me up last night, I had my one small suitcase, and two plastic bags of stuff, which I'll now integrate with my suitcase.

How have I fallen so far? Yeah, I fell in love with, and married, the wrong man.

8:02, 8:03. Watching the minutes click by... It's Sunday, and I'm thinking about what I need to DO today. The Ringleader told me about a Super Bowl party today, and I think we may go there. Or not. Instead, I killed time, flirting with the attractive Palestinian jewelry shop-owner along the beach...

Closer to the END!

2005-02-04T14:19:00.000-05:00

The rabbi with whom I've been staying abruptly kicked me OUT last night. Just put my bag outside his front door! I ended up staying on the couch of his next door neighbor, a Kabbalist in Kosher Canyon.

new shoes!

2005-02-03T21:38:00.000-05:00

I haven't even decided if I'm keeping them. But $50 that I had earmarked for T-Mobile was burning a hole in my pocket, so I simply HAD to buy the black leather-and-pleather knee-high boots, with 3" spike heels. After all, they were deeply on sale, and I didn't have ANY dress shoes out here! I'll need them for interviews, and a JOB. I suppose I've been doing this same justification, for 3 years! But, maybe I'll come to my senses, and return the shoes.

For the first time, I just pulled some meager Spanish out of my ass, to ask a fellow bus-rider what time it was. She UNDERSTOOD me! Very proud of myself!

For every GOOD thing, there's my LIFE in the other side. Rabbi J. just called, and told me that he's stressed about school, wants to be alone, and has already packed up my belongings and left them outside his house.

So, I called fuckwit XXXX, and he's still deciding how he feels about me returning there. I left voicemails for Heidi and Larry, my friends, to see if I can crash on someone's floor. But no calls back yet. I refuse to give UP, but I also can't handle this bouncing around infinitely!

At least it didn't RAIN...

2005-02-02T18:25:00.000-05:00

So I called my rabbi today, as my rabbi host suggested, and he didn't have time to see me today. But I got an appointment for 1:30 tomorrow afternoon. Just hoping that he can help direct me to a JOB...

I still need to also write my ad for the woman who's the asst. to the synagogue's Executive Director, because Lisa coordinates the weekly e-mail out to the membership, and I'm going to inquire whether anyone living close to the shul has an extra room in the house that they might be willing to barter, in exchange for cooking, cleaning, gardening and general help around the house.

Trying NOT to whore myself out. Trying NOT to look for trouble...

I may be tired, I may always been applying for jobs and following up on things. But at least it's sunny out. And the former playmate, who has DEMANDED that I never write about him again, is supposed to be dropping off my phone at some point today.

More TURMOIL!

2005-02-01T20:43:00.000-05:00

I was trying to do a good thing last night, by setting up three clients for last night, to watch XXXX/YYYY and I fuck. Since that's all we did, really, for two weeks.

But XXXX/YYYY was SO furious about this idea, that I'd set up anything in HIS apartment, that not only was the live sex show a no-show for last night, but he ended up FURIOUS at me, and threw me OUT of his home, at 3:30 A.M.! To his credit, he did drive me back to Kosher Canyon, to the rabbi's place, where I had a place to sleep ONLY because the rabbi hadn't bothered to lock his door at night! And I had stayed with the rabbi when XXXX/YYYY threw me out the first time, so it was familiar going back there.

But the sadness and emptiness are paralysing. When XXXX/YYYY dropped me off at Kosher Canyon, he REFUSED to give me my phone/PDA, "until we arrive at out destination," and even then, he forgot to give it to me! Haven't been able to reach him ALL day, and he's still got my phone! That Treo has been my lifeline for two or three months, or MORE, since I didn't have a phone line when living in NJ, in the nunnery, and didn't have a computer, either. So phone = BLOG!

It's GOT to get better. I'm honestly trapped in between the coasts, unsure which one is better for me right now!

nameless

2005-01-31T16:18:00.000-05:00

I am starting to feel like a blow-up doll! Just fuck me, poke around indelicately in the clit region, and blow a load of cum in me. I guess my seven (or so) months on the east coast helped remind me that I am so much MORE than a blow-up doll! But while I stay with XXXX, I'm perfectly fine with him whoring me out to one loser a night, with NO financial reward!! It's taken a week and a half for me to hit the same point of annoyance and boredom that took me six months of "escorting", before.

At the library now. Checking my mail, and posting another ad, looking for more LUCRATIVE "trouble" tonight...

Better Graces

2005-01-29T14:16:00.000-05:00

I spent last night at XXXX's place, and I feel like I'm TRAINING him, that I'm not a trained dog, that I don't fuck on command!

Skipped shul this morning, because XXXX wouldn't drive me over to the synagogue, and we're now at the Pacific Design Center, for a SAG screening of "The Aviator," a film that I have DELIBERATELY avoided seeing , for months. And the only reason I agreed to see a three-hour long movie, on Shabbat, is that Kate Winslet is supposed to be offering a Q&A session, after the film.

And I maintain that Eternal Sunshine is the BEST film I've seen all year!

More XXXX oddities: While he originally TOLD me his name was "XXXX", he has since told me that his real name is "YYYY."

He's never agreed to tell me his real age, but just that his agent sells him as 33. But I can tell from his skin that he's pushing 40!

Waiting for the BUS again...

2005-01-28T08:17:00.000-05:00

Going to KCRW, to volunteer for the first day of the phone-in fundraiser. NOW I'm home! Saw a former client yesterday, just SHUT down everything, to fuck and suck him, and let him cum on my chest. $200 later, it was harmless. And stupid. And it was just SEX! It's not like I've really got the money for Philanthropy Friday, but I might take $50 of the cash I just made from yesterday's sex, and give it to the radio station! Because I DO believe that public radio should be free, and "the dub" has the best music programming EVER!

I'm on the fucking BUS

2005-01-27T17:48:00.000-05:00

And on my way downtown, talking to the urban black thirtysomething "inventor", heading to the Museum of Contemporary Art, for my "informational" interview.

no HEAT?

2005-01-27T13:16:00.000-05:00

Jacob apologized last night for the cold in the apartment. "The gas and electric bills were just SO high last month, so I'm not using them right now.

I had a sheet and a pillow, on the couch, and huddled under my oversized pashmina wrap -- no blanket! And shivered, silently, all night!

And there's a wedding invitation, tacked up on the fridge. And the groom's name is the same as my new host's! Weird. When I arrived here last night, a young woman was LEAVING -- and I'd HATE to think that she left because of ME!

EMERGENCY!

2005-01-27T02:17:00.000-05:00

XXXX and I saw one disappointingly pudgy guy off Craig's List for sex tonight, and by the time he left and XXXX was trolling for more cock (and this man thinks he's STRAIGHT! I introduced XXXX to my gay close friend, L. on Tuesday, and HE thought XXXX was gay, too!), I was tired, and feeling fucked-out. I tried to nap, hoping that I could sleep through the rest of the night, but XXXX went APESHIT on me! I was being a "JAP" (Jewish American Princess) by wanting so much sleep! I tried to explain the fatigue from Multiple Sclerosis, but "that's bullshit! I KNOW you," he intoned, as if his words were a threat. And all of my play with A., my former lover, and the Ringleader, came back to bite me on the ass, because XXXX was JEALOUS of the way I slept around with the Ringleader's friends, but not the anonymous guys he picked up off Craig's List! He didn't understand that I was in a different mental place, seven months ago, and that I don't WANT to be doing that anymore!

Long, painful story short:
XXXX threw me OUT of his place, and immediately drove me down to the airport, to try to get me on a red-eye flight back to NYC/NJ! I TOLD him that I wasn't leaving, but he didn't believe me!

I'm now sitting in the living room, on the couch of my rabbi friend, in Kosher Canyon. And as weird as this may seem, I feel GOOD here! Even without a car. Even as I contemplate walking all OVER this city, until I can afford to get my car out here!

Another night of mischief

2005-01-26T23:08:00.000-05:00

I have, playfully in the past, accused XXXX of being gay.

I think he denies it too hard.

Yeah, he likes pussy, and SAYS he doesn't want to be fucked by a man. But I was WITH A., when he started to get more interested in bisexual life, and being fucked by transsexuals. It's just a matter of time...

More sex with strangers!

2005-01-25T11:31:00.000-05:00

XXXX is SO vain, such an Actor. And so addicted to sex.

Last night, he went through his old e-mail correspondences, looking for another playmate, and we got "Seamus", the VERY attractive, 37-year old p/t actor, p/t pilot! Again, no cash exchanged. But he enjoyed going down on me, miracle!

So after XXXX barked at me, that I had to dress sexier to meet "Seamus", I fucked XXXX, then "Seamus". In a VARIETY of combinations, all OVER the bed!

It was VERY hot. And embarassingly, I fell ASLEEP before either of the guys, afterwards...

Another day in paradise

2005-01-24T16:08:00.000-05:00

The only problem? XXXX is being a jerk, insisting that I HAVE to show him everything I write. And because I don't have my car out here yet, I'm entirely dependant on HIM, and when HE's ready to leave the house already! And I just need caffeine, or some juice.

It's silly, that part of me is crazy about XXXX, and most of me just wants to KICK his actor ASS, and say, "your damned computer is an ANTIQUE now, it's NEVER going to let you get online, just give UP and come get FOOD!"

Breaking ties

2005-01-23T23:40:00.000-05:00

I just got off the phone with my mother, and told her that I'm NOT coming "home". EVER.

She was, of course, very concerned.

But I just tried to explain that I'm HAPPIER here than NYC now, especially living in a NJ nunnery. Of course, I went from the NO-sex house to XXXX's world, where I'm having more sex than I can even stand. XXXX's actually been angry with me, for having wanted to stay on east coast time, and my lack of interest in gang-bangs! I've had ENOUGH cock! He doesn't understand that the more cock I see< the more I want to go back to WOMEN!

OK, so I'm BACK!

2005-01-23T11:50:00.000-05:00

The Whore of Kosher Canyon has returned. I re-fucked a former client a few days ago. And the issues of how to pack up my remaining belongings from Beth's house, and how to get my CAR out here again, are foremost on my mind.

But I'm also thinking about the three or four boxes that I left here in LA to be shipped back east, and how they were probably discarded!

(removed by author)

2005-01-22T13:09:00.001-05:00

Still speechless

2005-01-22T13:09:00.000-05:00

This post has been removed, at my overbearing host's commandment.

Return to whoring

2005-01-21T10:27:00.000-05:00

When I flew out here, my mother snarled, "EVERYONE knows what you are. I know why you're going out there!," implying that I'm nothing but a whore, and that I was coming out here, to do more whoring. I TRIED to explain that I'd been invited to the Producer's Guild awards, but to a woman who feels SUPERIOR, to be living in NJ, outside of NYC, the entertainment industry is totally foreign.

But yes, I'm seeing a former client tonight, and the problem with these 30something guys is that they mistake love for sex! So, J., tonight's client, says that he MISSED me so badly, when he's really only ever spent an hour with me! We barely know each other! I want to raise my hourly or session rate, but ONLY for NEW clients. Still haven't told M. about the escorting/whoring, but he works in entertainment, so he'll probably understand it, better than I fear...

Something I was told today...

2005-01-20T21:20:00.000-05:00

Stupidity is doing the same pointless thing, again and again, and always expecting the results to change -- when they never do. So, Doug, the infamous art criminal, offered me jobs with his gallery in the beachy place two or three times. Which I accepted. And which he always RESCINDED the follwing morning! Desperate to stay out here, I just took another meeting with him.

Perhaps I should have asked him to kick me again...

playmate fun

2005-01-20T18:06:00.000-05:00

M. wanted, yesterday, to find some other sexual playmates for us. So he went on Craig's List, and placed an ad. Several responses. We called one guy who looked most interesting, and he came over with a great bottle of red wine. The three of us killed the wine, with the boys doing most of the drinking. Then M. led us both into the bedroom. Disrobing started. Brian, the new playmate, was very attractive, and very sexy.

I removed my shirt and cashmere pants. But because my period started yesterday, I was bleeding, and not really an active participant in the fun. It WAS fun, however, to alternate between blow jobs for the two men, and to watch them kissing, and working on each other.

Another gangbang -- (sigh...)

2005-01-20T13:38:00.000-05:00

XXXX/YYYY, my host, wanted action yesterday. So he posted an ad on CraigsList, just looking for a bisexual playmate of either gender. We got lots of replies -- XXXX/YYYY is about 5'10", toned and cut, with a tousled mop of chin-to-shoulder-length blond hair. He won't tell me his REAL age, as he's an actor/theater director, and his much-loved agent sells him as being 33. Uh, NO. He's got sun damage from SO much sun, and honestly, I'd guess 40.

XXXX/YYYY just picked up my phone, and started reading this. And I grabbed it back!

would it be a good or BAD thing, to wake a sleeping man with a blowjob?

2005-01-19T09:10:00.000-05:00

I'm in the beachy place, with my (NONPAYING) fuckbuddy, M, and we're at a beachside hotel, because work is being done on his apartment. So he's asleep beside me, because it's 6:30 here. My body is WIDE awake though, because for me, it's 9:30, and even I'm awake by then...

I'm watching the sun come up, over the pier, and thinking about how beautiful it is. And M is curled up around me, playing with my nipple piercings. OK, I can feel his cock wiggling around behind my ass, so maybe I CAN go down on him...

I was standing outside last night on the balcony, and reveling that the air always smells like flowers here. Something I always loved about this place...

predictably...

2005-01-18T08:15:00.000-05:00

OK, the 7 a.m. flight was too early. NO surprise there! It's now 8 a.m., and I'm awake, after getting less than 5 hours sleep. On an early afternoon flight instead...

Ans I STILL can't face the PACKING! Half my clothing is rolled and READY for packing...

So, can I REALLY be ready to fly out in the morning?

2005-01-17T13:44:00.000-05:00

Matt, the beachy-place playmate, has decided that while his apartment building is going to work on his apartment, he's arranging for a room, at a hotel, by the beach, for us, and sundry other playmates.

He's checking with Delta, to make arrangements for my last-minute flight out there. And he said that he'd take me around town, to the museums where I applied for a job last week...

I could see A., the abnormally large-cocked boyfriend, and the RINGLEADER!

A week by the beach, to try to get my life there back together! And sunshine, and my beloved synagogue!

What he DIDN'T remind me of, before booking the ticket, is that I'll be attending the Producer's Guild awards with him, on Saturday night, probably...

(I've been told that's like the Academy Awards, but less elitist)

Cyberstalking?

2005-01-17T10:16:00.000-05:00

He's GOT to be kidding me. Far be it for me to advertise for the ex's empty blog, but on www.JayBushman.com he complains about me, and my "cyberstalking" him. Gee, when did I last call you, Jay? Yes, I texted you comments on your blog entries occassionally. But Jay, what do you think is behind this "cyberstalking"? Could it be that I MISS the memory of you?

And, in response to the Olympia/HG discussion on Olympia's blog, I did escorting in the beachy place to SURVIVE, and it wasn't high-class, old-man sex, but RENT and HEALTH INSURANCE sex. I did it initially out of curiosity, once my husband walked out on me. And since I've been living in the ritzy suburb, I haven't been doing it at all. I'm still just applying and interview, looking for work. That's ALL I want. I've even been applying for jobs at the local market, every store, locally, and the pharmacy!
I'm a GOOD girl, and I just want to be LOVED!

OK, the hell with this cold!

2005-01-16T13:45:00.000-05:00

After this morning's fight with Mom, I know that SHE's not on my side! There's just no reason to stay here! I'm trying to get in touch with my playmate, Matt, because he's WANTED to fly me out, to stay with him until I get stable...

OK, I guess my "mother" doesn't want her daughter anymore! And she's already lost her SON and grandchild!

2005-01-16T11:24:00.000-05:00

I warned her on FRIDAY that I'd need to get into her garage, to get my writing samples, for the Harlem School of the Arts. She quickly replied that Saturday didn't work for her, and she'd have to check on Sunday. I never heard from her about Sunday, so I called her Saturday AND Sunday, to check in.

She called me Sunday, and said that THEY had plans for Sunday, all day, so I wouldn't be able to get to my box in the garage. "Just write something new," she proposed. "But they want the HISTORY, of seeing what I've written in the past," I explained, exasperated.

I am fucking FURIOUS with her, because she insists that I get a job, any job, but won't help with the most simple request! Just let me into your fucking garage, even if you have to be out for the whole day. I don't need to be in their HOME...

So furious that I'm trying to do something rash right now. Trying to reach Matt, the beachy-place placemate who wants to FLY my out there, to live with him until I get settled.

I'm ready to do it! Because I doubt Mom would pay for rent next month, so I'd have to leave, anyway!

I don't THINK I'm being rash and just angry because I'm living on crackers and dried nuts, since Mom won't buy me cooked food at this point, and gives me shit about even buying me microwave anything! She's afraid that she'll spoil me, I guess. But she's going the WRONG way, and has pushed me away, in favor of the carpet salesman!

Talk about memories from music and film!

2005-01-15T22:07:00.000-05:00

I just put "Everything, Everything" by Underworld in the DVD player, and I know EXACTLY where I am. With the ex. Hammerstein Ballroom, on 23rd Street in NYC.

We went to hear/see Underworld, and short of the Nine Inch Nails show we saw together not long before, it ranked among the BEST (and most hypnotic!) shows I'd ever seen!

And thanks, "Garrison", for this one...

2005-01-15T15:27:00.000-05:00

Garrison Steele, the infamous "porn star", has posted the following list to his blog, for the qualities belonging to his fantasy fuck buddy. Check his link, http://www.churchofsteelle.com/blog1/index.html, for the full list -- I've changed the list, to make it appropriate for ME. Please note, I AM bisexual.

My Fantasy Fuck Buddy (FFB) knows I HAVE a name, calls me by a name, but doesn't know if it's real and doesn't care.
My FFB changes his/her hair color and doesn't bother telling me because it's none of my damn business and he/she knows I like the surprise anyway.
My FFB has his/her tongue, both nipples and his cock or her clit hood pierced, knows how to use those to his/her advantage, but doesn't make a big deal about them.
My FFB will NOT walk right out the door and leave my ass asleep on the bed without so much as a "thank you" or "See you next time"
My FFB has an interesting assortment of toys and doesn't bother consulting me before he/she drags them out because this isn't all about me but just as much about him/her and he/she's going to have fun, damnit!
My FFB matches my height perfectly so we don't have to struggle to fuck in the shower, or the hallway, or the elevator, or where ever else the urge might over take us.
My FFB carries his own condoms, but only as back-ups in case I didn't bring enough.
My FFB knows when to tease and does it well, with practiced precision and cunning.
My FFB knows I'm going to write about him/her and finds that amusing.
My FFB writes about me, honestly, and doesn't care if I read it or not.
My FFB is intellectually superior and expects me to be able to keep up in conversation.
My FFB is just as likely to call me as I am to call him/her.
My FFB knows how to get me to dance with him/her, even though he/she knows I'm totally self-conscious the entire time.
My FFB is bi and loves a good three-way, but not all the time.
MY FFB tells me to get lost when I'm full of shit, then calls later to see if the shit level has receded any.
My FFB may wear jeans and a t-shirt or a business suit and still look hot, but can shuck either in an instant and doesn't give a fuck who sees.
My FFB laughs, loud, when she finds something funny, even if we're fucking at the time.
My FFB turns off his/her cell phone when we're together and gets pissed if I don't do the same.
My FFB doesn't pretend I'm good when I'm not, but screams loud enough to wake the dead when I am.
My FFB could become a girlfriend/boyfriend when I decide that I've had enough random screwing around. Like I now have!

A random bit of news:
The Contract Killer, who I've mentioned before, is now trying to convince me to move to NYC, DC or the beachy place with him, once his divorce is settled, and not for paying sex, but for an all-expense-paid ticket to life. Hey, if he'll cover my credit card debt, we might have a deal!

And B., the too-cute professional truck driver who I met when he delivered my car to me in LA, is still driving seven days a week, unwilling to stop driving because all of that car time is making him money, and is unwilling to commit to a relationship because his heart was so badly broken two YEARS ago! I talked and text-messaged with him this morning, and tried to explain to him that I WANTED more with him, like a "real" relationship, beyond just sex, but that we can't pursue that if he's always going to be on the road...

blogging from synagogue

2005-01-15T11:38:00.000-05:00

Sitting here in shul, this being my adopted Conservative shul, on the wrong coast.

Already been reprimanded once about the blogging. I was aghast enough to NOT want to correct the reprimander, when he said that "cell phones and Blackberries aren't allowed in synagogue." Like, fuckwit, this is a Treo!

But now I'm no longer sitting in the sanctuary, but in the food room, off to the side.

And now I'm at the library. Another conservative Jew no-no, on Shabbats (Friday night to Saturday night)... Still waiting to hear from Mom, whether I can access to her GARAGE tomorrow, to get my writing samples!

What made today great?

2005-01-14T16:43:00.000-05:00

I got job applications out to THREE museums, in the target city. I feel good about the applications ... but on a more practical level, I can't deny that I have already applied to all these places. But it feels different today...

BITCH!

2005-01-14T14:13:00.000-05:00

I quick rant, because I feel like my MOTHER is working not WITH but AGAINST me! I told her early this morning that I'm going to need to get to my boxes, in storage in her garage, this weekend, so that I can get a few of my writing samples, to send the Harlem School of the Arts.

Her reply?

WE're not available on Saturday, and I don't know about OUR plans for Sunday yet. So I'll need to let you know, when you can get to your writing samples.

What is this, the royal we? Yes, Mom, I know that you're married again. And Saturday, I may go to synagogue, anyway. All I can say right now is that I just applied for another job at the Museum of Contemporary Art, in the beachy place, and I SO hope I get it!

The ex is IN my dreams!

2005-01-14T08:05:00.000-05:00

Not an unpleasant sensation, but maybe not the healthiest thing. I woke up this morning, dreaming that I was on the phone with his tender voice.

Which is NOT the voice I am generally exposed to.

And my interview, to which I was convinced I'd be late, and which I'd considered trying to reschedule, went very well. Next step: get my "professional" writing samples to them, by Monday...

Where have the years gone?!

2005-01-13T10:24:00.000-05:00

The movie of last night, and still this morning, is "Wings of Desire". It came out around 1987, and I have stronger emotional memories of the film than factual memories. Nick Cave. Circa the 80's, was there anyone cooler or more goth, pre-Trent Reznor? And Solveig Dommartin. Sigh. That must have been the start of my lesbian phase. But DAMN, if she wasn't beautiful. But I must have seen this before my memory started to go. Before the start of the MS, the disease which took my memory. I don't remember WHY I ever loved the film so much. I'm temped to turn this off, and watch the rest later. I must have seen this at the start of college. I studied German for about a year, because I knew even then that I wanted to get my Ph.D. in art history, and I also knew that I needed German, in addition to my French. Bruno Ganz just fell to earth, and switched from being an angel to being human. Mais l'allemagne, je ne souviens rien. Le francais, c'est encore un langue presque nativ. Je reve encore en francais. Casiel et Damiel! I REMEMBER! Did I see this with the ex? Or maybe it was "Until the End of the World."

Interview tomorrow!

2005-01-12T19:23:00.001-05:00

Got an interview tomorrow with the Harlem School of the Arts. It's a fundraising job, and considering that I now only want to be raising money for a cause I can believe in, I'm optimistic. My heart would be in the right place. Wish me luck!

offer accepted!

2005-01-12T19:23:00.000-05:00

Mr. C. accepted my dinner offer! Of course, I wasn't sure of his reply, because he said he had no net connectivity yesterday. So, I then explained that I'd probably make pasta and meat sauce, so I just wanted to know if anyone was a vegetarian...

you win some, you lose some

2005-01-11T06:51:00.000-05:00

is THIS craziness? I don't sleep well anymore, and the thing that woke me up this morning like an alarm clock is that there is a monetary restitution due to me, by my ex, because when I proposed to him, he had a job, and I had every reason to believe that he would continue working. Little did I know that when he suggested after September 11th that we move to the beachy place, he had already decided that he didn't want a job in computers, and he wanted to be a writer. An unemployed writer. We moved across the country, because that was what he wanted, even though my industry was and IS based in NYC. So we got out there, and lived on MY stellar credit for three years. It's now time to pay the piper, as the expression goes, and while I'm back where I belong, looking for work, he found a job in document processing, or PowerPoint, the day after he told me he was leaving me. My credit has now been Hammered, to the tune of about $20,000. And the weird dream I woke to this morning is that HE needs to pay some of the damage. Like $15,000 of damage!

I loved him, but I needed more stability and security than he could provide. This is sad and painful to admit. But the really heartbreaking part of this is that we were SO in love. Like, simultaneous orgasm love. I have now come to realize how rare this is. And the marriage died because he chose writing, over ME!

So now that my credit has been decimated by him, I don't think it's too much, to ask him for the $15,000 it'll take, to placate my three major card companies.

Now I see what all of you going through a divorce mean, when you complain that your ex takes and takes. My ex had clearly been planning to leave me for a while, because in the month before his departure, we had uncommonly little sex, as if he wanted to prove if I suddenly got pregnant that he wasn't the father. And the night before he left me, he JUMPED me, and fucked me with the focus and passion of a man who knows that he won't be getting any sex from me ever again...

news of the day

2005-01-10T15:56:00.000-05:00

I went to see my mother's former -- and again -- internist, about the cysts. And he didn't even need to see my armpit, to know the problem. "You shave your armpits?," he asked. When I nodded in the affirmative, he explained that I had the cysts from ingrown hairs. And he prescribed a twice-daily antibiotic, that as it turns out, has been phased out. So the pharmacist is waiting to hear back from the doc, to prescribe something else.

Why can't I let the EX go?!

2005-01-09T18:52:00.000-05:00

He wants to be gone. And he IS. We're divorced!

I still miss him.

I just want to STOP missing him!

Thanks for the feedback

2005-01-09T16:13:00.000-05:00

I'll take all of your advice, dear readers, and ask Mr. C. if I can make dinner one night for he and his two kids. It's a FRIEND thing! We're still chatting, and I think that by our next correspondence, I'll make the dinner invitation!

help! Where is this COMING from?

2005-01-08T23:35:00.000-05:00

I never had one of these underarm cysts before. And while I had one two weeks ago that popped and sent me to the emergency room, I now have one under each arm!

They're not as big -- YET, as the one that popped, but I'm scared, and just want to call the cute doctor, from the emergency room!

I would just love to hear from anyone else who's had this problem.

The first time, I thought the cyst was a manifestation of my sexualization-but-trying-to-behave thing!

But I NEVER had this problem in the beachy place, or while I was married...

would THIS be a bad thing?

2005-01-08T22:04:00.000-05:00

As I've previously mentioned, I'm back living in the same town where I went to the ritzy private school. And I'm in touch, as I have been almost always, with my favorite teacher. I heard recently that his wife passed away last year. I've already conveyed my regrets, but I remember him being bright, young and attractive. Would it be totally wrong for me to offer to make him dinner one night? Am I flirting? Maybe...

once a whore...

2005-01-07T15:44:00.000-05:00

maybe always a whore.

I wonder if Olympia, the Queen of Unapologetic Whoring, has trouble having recreational sex, without thinking about commodification. Because I seem to be having a problem with this. The Contract Killer called this afternoon, and suggested that he come up here, drive me into the city, and invited me to come to Washington with him, for a business trip of his. We met, initially, because I had placed an ad on CL, looking for new clients. And his position was -- and IS -- that he didn't want to PAY for sex, but he wanted it, and he wanted me to be his "trophy wife", once the divorce comes through with his CURRENT wife! Listen, I don't have an objection to being a trophy wife, but I just need CASH right now!

Painful memories

2005-01-07T08:51:00.000-05:00

Last night's movie was beautiful, and ripe with associated memories. "Nowhere in Africa" is a terrific, flawless film, about Jews who left a comfortable life in Germany, for the more arid countryside of Africa. It's significant for ME because it played for a LONG time, at one of the theaters in town, when we lived in the beachy place. And I had a friend there, who had suggested that we go see the film together, when I had no idea how powerful the film would be for me.

Simply, it's a film about a husband and wife who have had to leave their homes, and settle in a new place, and how their relationship is challenged.

So I watch this now, thinking of my old friend, and wondering if she ever returned to her husband, or if she stayed with the man in Egypt.

Most painfully, for me, is seeing this couple, and wondering if I might have fought more for my marriage if I had seen this in the beachy place. I was too spoiled there, driving the Volkswagen convertible around, a car bought with part of my severance package from the big NYC company, and coming from the arts, I refused to FIND a menial job NOT in the arts! I now find my behavior there unbelievable and disgusting. We had NO money, and were living on my credit cards. A pain I now face, as I need to pay everying off.

disaster AVERTED!

2005-01-06T14:37:00.000-05:00

Mom came through, on giving me the money to get into the city, after I let her know that I was just TRYING to do what she wanted -- meaning, get a job, any job, and I just needed her help, getting into the city!

In order to GET the money, it should be noted, I had to give her a bank statement, so she'd see where my money is going. I'm too private a person to want ANYONE to have the ability to critique how I spend my money.

But, armed with my bank statement...

You've gone out to DINNER, several times! What a stupid indulgence! And KCRW? What's that? I explained that it was a small, annual contribution to my favorite public radio station. (Silly me, I thought I remembered having been raised thinking that tzedakah, charity, was a GOOD thing! But oh, that must have come from my late father!)

Yes, Mom, I'm on the bus, on my way into the city...

problem!

2005-01-05T20:06:00.000-05:00

I have a job interview in the city tomorrow, with a conservative synagogue. This town where I'm living in 12 miles outside of Manhattan. And I'm plum out of cash!

So I asked my mother if I might borrow $10 from her, to get in and back from the interview tomorrow. And she went APESHIT! What have you been doing with the money you've made from the jobs you've had lately? Are you spending your money on DRUGS?!

I've NEVER been into drugs, like the good "just say no" girl I was trained to be. The time, with the Ringleader, when I look puffs of things he was smoking in the beachy place, are the extent of of my drug use EVER. And the idea that my mother would even assume drugs is fucking infuriating.

I've changed my ways, so that I'm NOT whoring. But she's still unconvinced that I'm behaving! See, THAT behavior by her really just makes me want to leave town, and return to the sunshine!

What I would have LIKED her to do: to promise to drop by the house in the morning, with $10 to loan me, so I can get to my interview! What WILL she do? I expect nothing...

But I sit here at the library, wondering if I could pick somebody up here and interest them in sex...

another night, another masterwork of modern cinema

2005-01-04T23:10:00.000-05:00

Without sex and companionship, and without evening patience for reading, I find solace in my TV/VCR/DVD at night. Tonight's BIG hit is Atom Egoyan's 2002 film, "Ararat". I am struck by what a STRONG film this is, about the Armenian genocide -- never taught, never discussed, barely recognized as having happened.

I watched the film earlier in the evening tonight, before going out for drinks and a blow-job with "St."

He's 32 and from Ireland. Built like a football player, but also sweet. We first met because he had placed an ad on Craig's List MONTHS ago, looking for strippers for a friend's birthday party. We hadn't met about my reply until last night. I think it came about because we happened to start talking online, and feeling bored or lonely -- or just horny, he asked if I had plans last night. I didn't, so we agreed that he'd pick me up at the place I'm living, and we'd go for dinner and drinks.

By the time he got to my place, he'd been working late, and had eaten at work. So we just went to a local pub.

I was wearing the tight and sexy red dress that I couldn't remember having worn in months, bra-less, as he requested. After a few beers, we left the bar, and he, perhaps emboldened by HIS beers, quickly grabbed me as we stood on the street, and started kissing me. "Want to go find a hidden parking lot nearby?," he suggested. And I knew just the place. The lower-level parking lot for my private high school. Nobody there but a few parked cars. Once we were parked, he pulled me up, to sit on his lap. And while he felt me up, I began to do the same with him. But faced with a new penis to play with, I decided fairly quickly to give him head, that I just WANTED to. I think my "40 Days and 40 Nights"-inspired recent vow of celibacy has helped to break me of the whore-like expectations of money for sex. So, I reached for his uncircumsized cock confidently and happily, because there was none of the commodification of "X = $200, y = $300").

Just the joyful satisfaction from having made him cum...

We'll see if I hear from him again.

re-emergence

2005-01-03T14:29:00.000-05:00

Just got a second for this quick posting. But I wanted to note that M., beautiful, long-haired fellow walker has made a re-appearance! I've learned to assume nothing. But it IS interesting.

The armpit has mostly healed. I just took Clinton's doorstop of a book, "My Life," out from the library. I saw my beloved Aunt Gloria yesterday, and I SO adore that woman. She's my favorite aunt, and maybe my favorite relative, period!

Another session with the shrink tonight. But right now, as the seconds tick down on the library computer, I'm going to go home, and have the rest of my wonderful Kosher deli sandwich from last night...

Back from the shrink. Just wanted to mention that the temp agency that Mom has tried to push me toward JUST called me, with a quick job for the next few days! And it's around the CORNER from my house! I'm feeling SO strangely optimistic. My friend who's a rabbi, and others, have long tried to convince me that Adonai works in magical ways...

ok, another lukewarm NYC day...

2005-01-03T01:06:00.000-05:00

I give up. Matt, one of the balmy-place playmates, has talked me into just DOING it. Leaving the place that USED to be my home, to return to the beachfront heaven.

is THIS our problem?

2005-01-02T07:58:00.000-05:00

Based on the stories imparted in this blog, I've been asked to start and write another blog (for PAY!) for a dating website, www.dating-connextion.com. Check it out: it's a website ABOUT dating websites, regardless of your specific interest.

But the prospect of writing specifically about the months I spent as "the Whore of Kosher Canyon" (weblink to follow) has me thinking about my subculture. How DID I come to think this was an acceptable way to live?

My late father was always affectionate and demonstrative, but my mother, on the other hand, NEVER hugged or kissed her two children. And while I morally object to the idea of charging men for sex, why DID I do it? Maybe not having been shown enough affection as a kid has something to do with it. Or maybe not. Just thinking through my thumbs. I guess I'm mostly thinking/wondering what of the sordid tale would be interesting to readers.

Because I certainly saw clients in my bedroom, in the apartment I shared with a freakish and square, frizzy-haired woman. Or maybe the nights when I'd wait outside for the Brazilian to pick me up, for the swinger's club downtown, wearing a skirt that was designed as a bathing-suit coverup and a braless fishnet top, under my black plether raincoat, as the orthodox families walked past me en masse.

Well, if you have things that you'd specifically like to see me write about, drop me a comment?

simple pleasures

2005-01-01T10:28:00.000-05:00

Like Olympia's recent post, about the simple joy of days alone, I'm eating french toast alone at a place in my adorable town, where I'd only ever had tea, and reveling in the SILENCE of not having to make small talk, when all I really wanted was breakfast. Watch me blog between bites of french toast! Have a Treo 600 and a WiFi connection, and I am truly mobile!

does he still love me?

2004-12-31T15:32:00.000-05:00

the ex-husband's blog talks about one of the recent stories from KCRW, about the re-release of old Brian Eno albums. He wouldn't even be aware of Eno if it weren't for me. I'd like to think he thought of me, while listening to KCRW... But I know better than to assume he was ever thinking of me, and just looking for something else to crib for his blog...

it's like a dot-com DREAM!

2004-12-29T09:17:00.000-05:00

After carrying on a many-months correspondence and flirtation with S., he asked me to drinks and dinner last week, and offered me a job, blogging on his new company's website. A PAYING job! The date is tonight -- we'll see if it actually HAPPENS!

I'm shocked and amazed, because when the ex-husband started blogging, I couldn't imagine that anything would ever COME from letting people read your diary. I feel Smiths' lyrics coming out of my head...

Any other Smiths' fans out there, who know the song going through my head?

And now, re-reading yesterday's prescient timidity, I can report that S. had to back OUT on tonight, because he had to be in the city all day, and said he wouldn't get out here in time...

Armpit is healing, by the way. Still hurts, I'm still on painkillers, and the mess still smells slightly like the pus-oozing mess that it is...

I like my pizza ...

2004-12-27T20:47:00.000-05:00

NOT in my armpit! The first bandaid fell off tonight, and both the bandage and my still-huge walnut in the armpit look NO better.

POP!

2004-12-26T22:56:00.000-05:00

Before I even saw the emergency-room doctor yesterday (a CUTE, 38-year-old African-American man originally from Washington, DC -- where I went to college), my right underarm was hurting painfully. On a scale of 1-10, it was a 7 or 8, I told the admitting nurse.

When I finally got into an examining room, and I looked at the damage, I saw that the cyst had POPPED, and the underarm was a mess of white blood cells (pus, basically) and an expressionistic splash of red blood. So, the nurse cleaned the area, and adorable Dr. Lundy squeezed the cyst, to try to get the pus-like mass OUT, and after some subtle flirting and talk about baseball in the nation's capitol, I was out on the street, walking home, with prescriptions for an antibiotic, and a painkiller that's a combination of ibuprofen and Vicodin. Every four hours, I take another Vicuprofin, and I'm knocked into semi-consciousness again. I love this shit!

But the point of this post was that this doctor was intriguing, funny and adorable, and had me wondering of I could/should ask him out for coffee... I never got up the nerve. And here, 24 hours later, I'm still thinking about it, and HIM... I haven't wanted to send a love-letter to a doctor, since my former neurologist in the beachy place, but I kinda want to do it, because I liked his bedside manner...

A good example of nice stuff he did. After squeezing the cyst until I couldn't take the pain anymore, he suggested taking a scalpel and cutting an incision in the cyst, to get the goop drain faster. Absolutely hyper-sensitized, I couldn't handle the thought of a scalpel. But I was grateful for him having ASKED me, first.

So, I'm taking the meds, took my first antibiotic with lunch, and think I'll go home now, to do the hot compress again...

I just want to get BETTER.

Because the cyst is rocking my world back into my OLD life, and I've been applying for jobs all day. And don't want to go to beachy place, now...

how fucking WEIRD is this?!

2004-12-26T13:16:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in the local hospital waiting room. Haven't been in THIS situation since I crashed up my car, and my ex picked me up at the crash scene, and insisted that we go, wait on interminable lines, to see a doctor. Now, at my mother's suggestion, I'm at the local/regional hospital, because I have a grape-sized LUMP under my right arm, and it's VERY painful.

No idea when the doctors may be able to see me. Apparently, all the beds are taken...

one thing that I DON'T love about the idea of returning to this heavenly place

2004-12-23T20:09:00.000-05:00

A., the beachfront Brazilian boyfriend, with the abnormally-HUGE cock, told me a few days ago that he was only attracted to the way I could (and DID) make a living whoring around. No real feeling. And here, I felt a real love for this man. Of course, he still wasn't DIVORCED from the wife from whom he was separated. How STUPID was I?! Yet another sign that when my ex-husband left me, I lost my MIND!

And A. regaled me with stories about his multitudinous affairs (with transsexuals!), while he's been supposedly carrying on a "monogamous" relationship with his "girlfriend".

Sometimes, I just WISH I could tell the girlfriend what he's been doing...

feedback, as I prepare to flee.

2004-12-23T16:24:00.000-05:00

I've threatened to do it. And after finding out today that I'm NOT being considered by the contemporary art museum, in the town where I want to move back to, I'm thinking more than twice about a job offer just posed to me, from the ringleader. He wants me to move back out there, and work for him, for his travel business, and I'm thinking about it!

The work would probably be of a sexual nature. When I've asked him to be CLEAR on what I'd be doing, he won't, exactly...

But given how unhappy I am here, in the cold, I'm ready to go back.

Part of me feels like I'm marching toward my own death. But I don't really know, CAN'T really know.

The good things, about going back.
My synagogue. I've missed it, ever since I left. I love the people, everything about it!
The weather.
The quality of life.
Endless sex.

Bad things about going back:
I'm already perilously low on money. I'd probably need to start borrowing from the Ringleader, to get a kickstart. To get car insurance again.
I'm afraid to have to start looking for an apartment on my own again. Just more money!

So, what do YOU think? Stay or go?

maybe a suddenly better mood?

2004-12-22T14:39:00.000-05:00

Go figure. Last night, I was planning my departure for the other city, across the country, where I lived with my ex-husband, and now this morning, everything looks better.

I just sent out about 10 resumes for jobs, some of which I found on Monster.com!

And some of the jobs I applied for are even in this freezing fucking city. I'm still TIRED of New York, tired of the cold, but I've always maintained that I'll go anywhere for a JOB!

And as an "art chick," New York is the best place in the country for my profession!

Now, a hamburger, fries, and go home to get and do my LAUNDRY!

I did it AGAIN?!

2004-12-21T21:22:00.000-05:00

bad things are afoot. I seem to make people mad, no matter WHAT I do.

I'm TRYING...

2004-12-20T15:23:00.000-05:00

every day, I have to will myself to get OUT of bed, out from under the always-warm blankets...

today, I went BACK to the fucking temp agency that my mother has been trying to get my to throw myself into. And I'm at the library now, printing my resume out AGAIN, for said agency...

I don't WANT to be so SAD all the time!

2004-12-19T13:13:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm not a bad person, as I've been trying VERY hard, NOT to misbehave. Like, when I sat at my mother's coworker's desk on Friday, making a phone call, I COULD have taken the $5, sitting on her desk, and I DIDN'T!
Hey, it's those small things, that really show that I'm TRYING to behave!

I'm just starting to feel disturbed, by ALL the depressed feelings!

As HeroineGirl knows, I'm phobic about needles. And yet, I'm DREAMING of flying to the beachy place, to see, have sex, and do enough drugs to kill myself, with my friends and playmates. I'm TIRED of living. Is it possible to be 33 and so tired of life? And if I kill myself, will that prevent me from seeing my beloved and deeply missed pre-deceased father?

another ENDING?!

2004-12-17T15:01:00.000-05:00

I had been at the gallery for about two weeks, writing artist biographies for their new website, and I had never been SUCH a good girl in my LIFE!

Down to, not taking PENCILS after work!

I was getting what I THOUGHT was a lot of writing done, and my immediate supervisor AND the owner of the gallery both thought that my writing was GOOD.

So, imagine my surprise when Wednesday afternoon, at the end of the day, the outgoing gallery director pulled me aside, into a private room to the side, and told me that the gallery had decided to postpone their work on the website! And therefore let me go!

I had already been counting my future money, and how I could use it, as he told me this.

When I asked what I had DONE, the director stammered, and pulled a few excuses out of his ass. Like "The writing wasn't really of a sufficient quality for the website," and "when we wanted to hire a writer, we had been hoping to get someone who could take the assignment "and run with it." Yet for each excuse he gave me, I countered with something that SHOWED he was bullshitting. Like, "the owner of the gallery AND the project manager both signed off on my writing at each step of the way," and "I was giving them two bios a DAY," which would have enabled me to finish VERY quickly. So, my feelings are hurt, my mother is gack to fearing that I'll never find a legal job again, and I'm back on the jobhunting prowl...

hurt and sad, I lash out

2004-12-11T17:13:00.000-05:00

So, M. and I kissed on Thursday night. Several times. And now, he disappeared, as he often does. So, hurt and sad and confused, I lashed out, and had SEX last night, in the nunnery-house, with my once and still pseudo-boyfriend. Of course, he couldn't stay over or anything. No, that would be too OBVIOUS! So I just walked him out to the BMW convertible, after doing the deed...

And now, he's disappeared too, after having an anticlimactic doctor's appointment this morning, re: growing back his thinning hair...

so, I'm not totally in DEBT now, but still ALONE...

The crush I HAVEN'T mentioned... And how EASILY my heart is BROKEN!

2004-12-10T09:45:00.000-05:00

I met him at the last screening of the summer, at the weekly Bryant Park movie screening. I think HBO (the festival supporters) was showing the new "Planet of the Apes," which I hate. I really just wanted to talk, and go for a long walk. I THOUGHT they were showing a different movie that night!

I proposed that to him, and he took me up on it. We talked and speed-walked for a few hours, and both had a great time. While we exchanged e-mails, and have gotten together a few times, always very casually, I was hopefully that last night would eventually happen.

We had a gallery opening there, where I was working, last night, at the 57th Street (read -- high class) gallery where I started working this week. So, faced with NO obligations at night, I invited a few friends over. I knew that one friend, to whom I had just given a hand-job ONCE, was going to arrive around 6:30. But I hadn't heard from M., regarding my invitation...

So, I was SHOCKED when I heard him call my name. He stood right in front of me, and looked just as beautiful as he had when we first met. It's all in the hair. We talked for a few minutes, then my hand-job friend arrived. And I was so stunned in the face of SO much beauty, I forgot M's name, so I couldn't introduce Ken (hand-job) to him.

He's always been a little mysterious, and it's seemed a bit odd, too (to THIS technofetishist), in that he doesn't have a cell phone, and won't give out his home number. I only found out the night that he came by the gallery that he DOES still live in his mother's home, on the Upper East Side. I just have to assume that she's got a GREAT, huge place.

But I at the end of the evening, I walked out of the gallery with M. and Ken, and after getting out to the street and giving Ken a kiss goodnight, M. took my hand. And didn't let go, for ten or fifteen minutes, as we slowly strolled West, toward the Hudson River. I walked him toward Eighth Avenue or Broadway, as he was going to try to catch a bus, in the pouring rain, up to Barnes and Noble to meet someone.

But all along the walk, he kept pulling me aside, under the overhangs, and kissing me. Not the wet, open-mouthed kisses to which I've become accustomed. These were high school kisses! Sweetly closed-mouthed. And a little endearing.

But after all those kisses, I wanted to believe that there were bigger things in our future.

Alas, no. I haven't HEARD from him since, and he hasn't responded to my text-messages at ALL. Which I can only read as "he's just not that into me," in the words of Sex and the City.

I'm disappointed, but have also come to accept that life goes on...